All to Him I Owe

Many people think that a good disciple maker has to be a person who is good at talking. But most good disciple makers are good at making disciples, because they are good at listening with an ear that enables them to discern a person’s heart. They don’t just listen to the words that are used. They listen with eyes that observe the non-verbal clues as well. They take what they hear and what they observe and discern the heart.

Those who teach martial arts often teach a skill called “the ability of soft eyes.” Having soft eyes means cultivating the ability to take in the whole situation without focusing on one object. They call it 360-degree awareness. The skill of soft eyes is crucial to our ability to be a disciple maker because it enables us to take in the whole of a person and respond in a right manner with the right answers.

Last week I encouraged you to not de-value “small talk.” We must value small talk, because small talk paves the way for deep spiritual conversations. In addition to small talk, let me add a new item to our disciple-making tool belt, the tool of listening. Try not to be the one who monopolizes conversations. Ask questions and listen! Some people listen until there is a pause so they can then talk. A real disciple maker listens with the intention of understanding so he can help.

May God continue to strengthen our relationships here at FBC as we value small talk and practice auscultation.

There is something exciting and enjoyable about a really good spiritual conversation. Most of us really do love talking with someone about things that have an eternal substance. Many of our church members regularly walk into our auditorium with a genuine desire to encourage and edify others and talk about deep, spiritual things. Often, though, within a few minutes, those same people interact with other members who just start talking “small talk” about the weather, work, sports teams, and hobbies. That conversation of small talk can feel like a big waste of time to the people who were really aiming for a spiritual conversation, unless they understand that small talk really can be a bridge to conversations about spiritual things.  I would like to give you three values for small talk.

1. Small talk demonstrates interest in the other person. Most people like talking about work, sports teams, and hobbies because those are major components of their lives: they’re important to them. People spend time and money on these things and think about them on a regular basis. When we skip over these things in conversation or act like talking about them is a waste of time, we subtly give the impression that we don’t care about that which makes up a significant part of a person’s life. My listening ear and engaging conversation about the small things in a person’s life shows that I care about the whole person.

2. Small talk builds bridges of trust. Spiritual conversations have the potential of exposing the inner heart of a person and making him or her feel very vulnerable. People naturally use conversations about weather, work, sports teams, and hobbies to build a hedge of protection to avoid that vulnerability. When we talk to people about those small things, we help them feel at ease and slowly build a trust that enables them to put down the hedge of protection. Some people require five minutes of small talk to build trust while the next person may require weeks of small talk before they give away trust to another. It is imperative that we be gentle, kind, and patient as we wait for people to let down their guards and trust us with their spiritual lives.

3. Small talk is the first step to deeper conversations. Small talk is not the end goal! Engaging in small talk is the process by which we get to deeper conversations about spiritual things. Small talk builds a rapport and trust with a person that allows us to engage their heart. Lighthearted conversations about small talk are great windows into the life of a person. Don’t just listen to their words. Listen to everything that is communicated outside those words. A good listening ear will pick up on the moods, struggles, stress points, and difficulties that a person has in his or her life. Our knowledge of those things becomes invaluable to taking the conversation deeper when the person is ready. Small talk does mean that conversations start small. But small conversations have the ability to grow into the bigger conversations that deal with bigger things.

Don’t despise small talk! It is an important part of building relationships with people, relationships that have spiritual substance.